My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.