I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
philosophical skeletons be like
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.