My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
birds and squirrels envy us
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.