I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Born to be mild.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.