My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.