Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?