[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.