The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
You Might Also Like
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..