ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…