Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I am all good here, 😂😉
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.