With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Worst Native American name ever.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”