nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You Might Also Like
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
i dont have time for this
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”