I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
This is I, Robot all over again
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]