“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap