Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Canada has crack?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats