There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365