I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*