[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Autocorrect is my menesis
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try