Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
You Might Also Like
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
🙋♀️
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
What a chick magnet..
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
new record!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.