me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.