A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
You Might Also Like
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.