God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You Might Also Like
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
jesus, what did this guy do
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere