I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
You Might Also Like
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
And bowling should be called pinball
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*