If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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listen closely
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My diet starts in January
of 2027
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.