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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.