Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
how much for the angry fruit?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.