The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”