Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
lmao