Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.