.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.