Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
just pretend nothing happened
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Only Americans understand
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.