*power walks to the refrigerator*
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”