I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You Might Also Like
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
There’s always that one guy
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”