I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
But I really needed water water water
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
reviewed some movies recently
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”