Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!