one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten