1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Florida be like…
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.