I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.