Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
They say women only use 10% of their anger
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢