Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.