I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.