him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
You Might Also Like
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
From the speed at which it鈥檚 spread I鈥檓 wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Doesn鈥檛 matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there鈥檚 one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
Back in my day when we found a Pok茅mon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If you haven鈥檛 manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you鈥檙e missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don鈥檛 like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not