I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495