@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.