Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
You Might Also Like
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Oops I deleted….
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*jingles half the way*
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Hit me in the face with a bird
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?