I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™