Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no