I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*