My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
The asteroid..
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.