Crying is a sign of leakness.
You Might Also Like
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
you have three unread messages
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.